Susan in Stuttgart: 2014

I’m sure you heard about the debacle with the Sochi Olympic toilets. (In case you are one of the few who have not, then here is a refresher for you: http://deadspin.com/a-users-guide-to-the-bizarre-toilets-of-sochi-1516518904)

Sochi Olympics Toilet

My questions are: Do you have to pay to use them? Do the toilets have presentation shelves for you to “view da poo”? If not, these folks need to quit their beefin’. They got nothin’ to complain about. Let’s talk German toilets.

* Disclaimer: Germany truly does have some of the cleanest and nicest potties around. And I know that those of you who have traveled more extensively than I can impart horror stories about toilets abroad that will make anyone’s stomach turn. This is just my take on my little slice of the planet. And it’s just for fun!

Pay to Poo:

I hope you brought your change with you, ‘cause you gotta pay to play. In Germany, it is a common practice to charge to use public toilets. It usually costs .50 € (about .75 cents) to use the facilities. I have a sneaking suspicion that this price is regulated by the government and enforced by the Poop Po-Po.

Toilet Attendant

Some of the restrooms have attendants who sit beside a little money tray, where you leave your change. Based on the varying amounts of coins I have seen on the tray, I think these toilets run on a guilt system, because the person that cleans up after you is sitting right there making you feel guilty that she has such a shitty job. I mean, really, can we ever pay her enough?

Although I have seen varying amounts in the tray, from .20 € to 2 €, I always leave .50 € because I am afraid of what might happen if I leave less, and I would feel awkward if I put in a Euro and tried to get change back.

In my opinion, the scarier toilets are the ones with the turnstile entry. OMG, it feels like you are entering a prison potty.

County lock-up? No! German toilet!

Really, Germany? You are going to impede someone from doing their business because they don’t have .50 €? These turnstiles are imposing for several reasons: As a non-native who is unused to this concept of “pay to play,” I am rarely prepared for the event:

1) Sometimes I forget to address the urge when it first comes upon me; therefore, I am in potty-panic mode when I am greeted by the turnstiles;

2) The panic intensifies when I realize that I didn’t bring any change;

3) Even though I now know how the drill goes, I am still always a little daunted when I see the tee-tee turnstiles.

Now, in the interest of fairness, not all turnstiles look like the one above. Many of them look quite inviting, like you are at Six Flags about to get on a great ride.

A Happy Place

You just need to buy your ticket! Some of the tickets are actually vouchers that you can use at a sponsored store.

Store Voucher

Tip: Poop or pee before you buy, so you can use your voucher!

The pay-off is that public toilets are well-maintained and clean. I would say that generally the public toilets here do seem cleaner than the ones in the U.S., but I’m question whether it’s worth the money if you aren’t sitting anyway. It’s a hassle to constantly remember to have change with you in case nature calls. It’s stressful when you don’t have the correct change and you have to poo. Suddenly, you are stranded, and your pee-pee dance and distressed expression reveal your story to all.

The Home Team:

But it’s not just the public toilets that are different from U.S. toilets. Go into any German home-improvement store, any department store, or even a furniture store, and you will find myriad selection of toilet brushes. It is toilet-brush heaven here. The photos below are from Obi, which is like a Home Depot. These are all the brushes in one Obi store near our house!

There is a reason for this.

Some German toilets, such as the one in my master bathroom, have a “presentation shelf.”

Yes, you read correctly. The poo does not slip seamlessly into the water with a resounding “plunk”; it rests on a shelf so that you may review it before you flush. Why might you want to review your poo? Well, if you eat a lot of pork, like the Germans do, perhaps you would like to review it for worms! To date, that is the only explanation I have been able to uncover, but my German friends may be able to offer a different explanation.